I am tired of finding excuses for my friends. I have discovered that I am the one with the problem. There is something wrong with me. What else can I believe? They don’t like my company.
Let me explain.
I haven’t seen my cousin in a very long time and he keeps asking me to see him one day. It’s not that I’ve been extremely busy; there has always been something else to do. So I kept refusing him. Until last week when I said I would meet him. We settled to meet one day and he was supposed to call me and tell me exactly where. At about 3 PM that day I sent him a message asking for directions but he didn’t answer, so I didn’t call him. So we didn’t meet. I thought it would be normal for him to call me, since that was what we had decided. He didn’t call me to explain why he didn’t give me any sign and I am really upset about that. And I am not going to call him because he is the one who kept insisting on seeing me. Maybe I am wrong. I think that he just forgot. Forgot about me! I am getting used to that.
A friend of mine and I decided to go to an art gallery on Saturday. She was supposed to call in the morning and tell me when she might be able to leave the office and meet me. At 4 AM I got a message telling me that she was at a party at a mountain resort. Ok. I was really glad for her since she had been depressed lately. But what about me?!? What about the things she was supposed to do on Saturday morning before going to the art gallery with me?!? You know, I am kinda tired of people always finding something better to do than spending time with me. I am starting to believe that I am good only when there is nobody better around, nothing better to do………… it is a really bad feeling but they don’t seem to understand it. Ok, it was a party in a nice place, I got that, good company, music, dancing, but why do I always get left behind?!? Am I only good when they need something, when there isn’t anything better to do? I am staring to believe that. I am staring to believe that there isn’t much about me anyway. My father didn’t want or love me much, my “friends” forget about me or they don’t care enough about me, my family isn’t very concerned about me………….. I am not saying that they all should spend their time worrying or taking care of me, but their - should I call it “indifference” hurts me. Actually I think I should care about me more, as much as they care about themselves, and maybe then I would be happier…..or maybe I am – again - finding excuses for them. Or maybe they should treat me like I – at least – try to treat them. Isn’t it strange that every time they find something better to do they decide to postpone me? Or maybe there is something wrong with me. Unfortunately I don’t know what, because I was finally starting to get used to and like what I’ve become, with my good and horrific sides.
Maybe I’ve learned to stop the pain.
I sent a message to a good friend of mine and I asked her when we might meet. She said that she has a family now (she moved in with her boyfriend) and that she is very busy. That was all I received as an answer. She is too busy. I have married friends who have time to see me!!! Why can’t she??
So…..I am asking now….is there something wrong with me? Yup, there is something wrong with me. I don’t expect or demand or even want to be the center of their universe, but I wish they wouldn’t hurt me. I let them hurt me, I know.
My friend,
please,
don’t be angry with what I said about you, don’t be angry with me, I just needed to let it all out. I will and I try to change my attitude. When I don’t want to do something I say I don’t want to. I know that plans change, but I am a fan of sticking to plans that we make. When I say something and plan to do something I try and like to stick to that plan. I am so stupid right now for saying this, but I needed to let it all out.
These days I am kinda vulnerable and weak. Actually I’ve been feeling like this for a long time now and this makes me do a lot of mistakes.
