The Closest Thing to Crazy.....

I haven't been around here in a very long time......I watch.......I read.......but say nothing.
I have so many things to say, to ask, to answer I guess.........
I've been very crazy lately.
I've fallen in love, fallen out of love, in love and out of love again.....but I have felt so alive, and yet today I feel sad.....actually it is a mixture of feelings........missing, loving, fearing, hating. I guess I am just being me.
Actually since I have finished my studies I have discovered many things about me, about life, about the people around ( and that hurt the most). I have discovered that I can talk without thinking about what I am saying and saying dumb things.........like today when I argued with a coworked and I was so tired and dizzy that I could hardly make my point. Thank God he is an idiot!....but I don't wanna talk about this.
I wanna talk about me.....just ME!.............my eyes fill with tears when I think about what I have been through lately. I don't think I have ever grown up as much as I did since May this year. I haven't actually been through bad things, but through things that made me grow up and yet I make mistakes that only a kid would make, I still fear what people that don't matter to me might think about me, I still am afraid that I might annoy those that don't matter and kinda forget about me and the ones that matter the most. Am I making any sense? Sometimes I feel like I am not very good with words, although this is my job.
I have so many things on my mind that sometimes I feel like I am going CRAZY. I think about me, my dad, the woman that made my parents break up ( why in the world would I think about her ????? ), my friends, the ones who were supposed to be my friends, the ones I have fallen in and out of love with, my future, my plans, my hopes and desires............I guess everyone thinks about that :)

My trip to Italy was nice, I could actually say that it was wonderful with a few exceptions....but I won't think about the bad sides, I'll take the GOOD ones....like HIM.Sure he wasn't the most important thing, but he added to the flavor of my trip. His eyes and lips, the fact that he was constantly smiling to me. I am not crazy, nor am I imagining things. But he was always smiling at me and there were moments when he couldn't take his eyes off me. How couldn't I like that? A mature man being interested in me, just a kid trying to grow up. So I had fun and I was......in love I guess. It was only a 12 days trip to Italy but it was enough. Did I want more...........???????

I came back and for two weeks I was like an alien. I didn't answer the phone, I rarely turned on my computer ( me=computer and internet "almost" addicted), I didn't go out, I dreamed alot, I watched the photos from Italy everyday. Italy has a special flavor for me now. I have visited many countries and Greece and France are my favorite, but I guess Italy will always have something special because of someone special. Though Rome and Venice are very impressive. In Rome I felt like at home. Those brown eyes............... Sure I had to go back to work a few days after I came back, but I was still somewhere very far.

I guess after you finish faculty you start your real grown up life. At least this is how I feel. I still feel like a child ( very much), but I am a grown up. I try to remain a child although I am forced to grow up and I don't want to. Why do you have to be serious and smile as rarely as possible, does that make you a grown up? I think not. I like the way I am. Mostly :) Way too naive for my taste, but that's the way I am and people take advantage of me and I let them to, to my own disadvantage. It's late and I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't want to. I miss being a student and having time to walk, see every library and every book. I spent hours and hours in libraries watching books and then making plans what to give up in order to buy I-don't-know-what-book. I miss walking the streets for hours. And now, that I have only the week-ends to do that is not that fun anymore. Not like it was when I was younger. I need a few days for myself.

Boring post..........but my soul is here.........and I am back.........and I am planning not to leave too soon.
Good night!