La Multi Ani!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007 !

...

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007 !

I knew that I wasn't going to have too much fun during these holidays. Last year it was kinda great. For New Year's my mom and I went to Turkey together with my cousin and his mom and had a lot of fun. They went to Grece this year, but we couldn't go(kinda low on finances). So I prepared for holidays with my family.

And I had quite a lot of fun, unexpectedly. My aunt(dad's sister) invited us over on Christmas Eve, then the next day my other aunt(mom's sister) came over to us. Lots of presents and everything, but most of all lots of FOOD ! Sometimes I think I could eat non-stop. I just love eating. And , TRUST ME, I am quite skinny for my height ( 1,51m and 45 kgs).

Then....back to work. We worked until Dec 30th, although NOTHING happened and the phone actually rang only twice on the 29th and not at all on the 30th. But my boss asked us to choose between coming to work before New Year's or immediately after( on the 3rd of January), so I chose to work after Christmas and stay home the week after New Year's. So, here I am, still at home while everybody else is working. I slept so much these days that I am tired of it :)))

New Year's Eve caught me in a very bad mood, so I didn't even feel like going out of the house, but I had to and I went with my mom and her husband over at my mom's sister. I know, I am so lame. I am 25 and I spend my New Year's with my family, but I had already said that I was going to go and I couldn't refuse them on such a short notice. You don't know my aunt ! And I actually had fun, not too much, but it wasn't all boring. From 11:30 Pm up to 00:30 Am I witnessed the most incredible display of fireworks. From the 3rd floor we saw fireworks all over the sky, so many that I had the impression that the sky was on fire. And again......FOOD :) !

All in all it wasn't that bad. Except my mood swing and my depression that has been coming and going since 31th of December. But tomorrow I am going back to work :((((((

I trully hope you had much more fun than me! Trully hope that.

Have a wonderful, happy 2006 !

Have you ever been completey, purely, entirely happy? So happy that you felt happiness bursting out of you...happiness surrounding everyone...touching and contaminating everyone.......Have you ever been TOTALLY HAPPY?????

Because I don't remember that, I don't remember being that happy.....maybe I not made for that......

Please check this.......so much inquietude! So much ME !

Now I lay Me Down

I am so tired

I am tired of finding excuses for my friends. I have discovered that I am the one with the problem. There is something wrong with me. What else can I believe? They don’t like my company.

Let me explain.

I haven’t seen my cousin in a very long time and he keeps asking me to see him one day. It’s not that I’ve been extremely busy; there has always been something else to do. So I kept refusing him. Until last week when I said I would meet him. We settled to meet one day and he was supposed to call me and tell me exactly where. At about 3 PM that day I sent him a message asking for directions but he didn’t answer, so I didn’t call him. So we didn’t meet. I thought it would be normal for him to call me, since that was what we had decided. He didn’t call me to explain why he didn’t give me any sign and I am really upset about that. And I am not going to call him because he is the one who kept insisting on seeing me. Maybe I am wrong. I think that he just forgot. Forgot about me! I am getting used to that.

A friend of mine and I decided to go to an art gallery on Saturday. She was supposed to call in the morning and tell me when she might be able to leave the office and meet me. At 4 AM I got a message telling me that she was at a party at a mountain resort. Ok. I was really glad for her since she had been depressed lately. But what about me?!? What about the things she was supposed to do on Saturday morning before going to the art gallery with me?!? You know, I am kinda tired of people always finding something better to do than spending time with me. I am starting to believe that I am good only when there is nobody better around, nothing better to do………… it is a really bad feeling but they don’t seem to understand it. Ok, it was a party in a nice place, I got that, good company, music, dancing, but why do I always get left behind?!? Am I only good when they need something, when there isn’t anything better to do? I am staring to believe that. I am staring to believe that there isn’t much about me anyway. My father didn’t want or love me much, my “friends” forget about me or they don’t care enough about me, my family isn’t very concerned about me………….. I am not saying that they all should spend their time worrying or taking care of me, but their - should I call it “indifference” hurts me. Actually I think I should care about me more, as much as they care about themselves, and maybe then I would be happier…..or maybe I am – again - finding excuses for them. Or maybe they should treat me like I – at least – try to treat them. Isn’t it strange that every time they find something better to do they decide to postpone me? Or maybe there is something wrong with me. Unfortunately I don’t know what, because I was finally starting to get used to and like what I’ve become, with my good and horrific sides.
Maybe I’ve learned to stop the pain.
I sent a message to a good friend of mine and I asked her when we might meet. She said that she has a family now (she moved in with her boyfriend) and that she is very busy. That was all I received as an answer. She is too busy. I have married friends who have time to see me!!! Why can’t she??
So…..I am asking now….is there something wrong with me? Yup, there is something wrong with me. I don’t expect or demand or even want to be the center of their universe, but I wish they wouldn’t hurt me. I let them hurt me, I know.
My friend, please, don’t be angry with what I said about you, don’t be angry with me, I just needed to let it all out. I will and I try to change my attitude. When I don’t want to do something I say I don’t want to. I know that plans change, but I am a fan of sticking to plans that we make. When I say something and plan to do something I try and like to stick to that plan. I am so stupid right now for saying this, but I needed to let it all out.
These days I am kinda vulnerable and weak. Actually I’ve been feeling like this for a long time now and this makes me do a lot of mistakes.

The Closest Thing to Crazy.....

I haven't been around here in a very long time......I watch.......I read.......but say nothing.
I have so many things to say, to ask, to answer I guess.........
I've been very crazy lately.
I've fallen in love, fallen out of love, in love and out of love again.....but I have felt so alive, and yet today I feel sad.....actually it is a mixture of feelings........missing, loving, fearing, hating. I guess I am just being me.
Actually since I have finished my studies I have discovered many things about me, about life, about the people around ( and that hurt the most). I have discovered that I can talk without thinking about what I am saying and saying dumb things.........like today when I argued with a coworked and I was so tired and dizzy that I could hardly make my point. Thank God he is an idiot!....but I don't wanna talk about this.
I wanna talk about me.....just ME!.............my eyes fill with tears when I think about what I have been through lately. I don't think I have ever grown up as much as I did since May this year. I haven't actually been through bad things, but through things that made me grow up and yet I make mistakes that only a kid would make, I still fear what people that don't matter to me might think about me, I still am afraid that I might annoy those that don't matter and kinda forget about me and the ones that matter the most. Am I making any sense? Sometimes I feel like I am not very good with words, although this is my job.
I have so many things on my mind that sometimes I feel like I am going CRAZY. I think about me, my dad, the woman that made my parents break up ( why in the world would I think about her ????? ), my friends, the ones who were supposed to be my friends, the ones I have fallen in and out of love with, my future, my plans, my hopes and desires............I guess everyone thinks about that :)

My trip to Italy was nice, I could actually say that it was wonderful with a few exceptions....but I won't think about the bad sides, I'll take the GOOD ones....like HIM.Sure he wasn't the most important thing, but he added to the flavor of my trip. His eyes and lips, the fact that he was constantly smiling to me. I am not crazy, nor am I imagining things. But he was always smiling at me and there were moments when he couldn't take his eyes off me. How couldn't I like that? A mature man being interested in me, just a kid trying to grow up. So I had fun and I was......in love I guess. It was only a 12 days trip to Italy but it was enough. Did I want more...........???????

I came back and for two weeks I was like an alien. I didn't answer the phone, I rarely turned on my computer ( me=computer and internet "almost" addicted), I didn't go out, I dreamed alot, I watched the photos from Italy everyday. Italy has a special flavor for me now. I have visited many countries and Greece and France are my favorite, but I guess Italy will always have something special because of someone special. Though Rome and Venice are very impressive. In Rome I felt like at home. Those brown eyes............... Sure I had to go back to work a few days after I came back, but I was still somewhere very far.

I guess after you finish faculty you start your real grown up life. At least this is how I feel. I still feel like a child ( very much), but I am a grown up. I try to remain a child although I am forced to grow up and I don't want to. Why do you have to be serious and smile as rarely as possible, does that make you a grown up? I think not. I like the way I am. Mostly :) Way too naive for my taste, but that's the way I am and people take advantage of me and I let them to, to my own disadvantage. It's late and I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't want to. I miss being a student and having time to walk, see every library and every book. I spent hours and hours in libraries watching books and then making plans what to give up in order to buy I-don't-know-what-book. I miss walking the streets for hours. And now, that I have only the week-ends to do that is not that fun anymore. Not like it was when I was younger. I need a few days for myself.

Boring post..........but my soul is here.........and I am back.........and I am planning not to leave too soon.
Good night!

Peles Castle, Romania, Sinaia
Posted by Picasa

The Peles Castle
Posted by Picasa

I have had some rough weeks. And I am so tired I feel like I am going to fall asleep while I am walking.

About a month ago my mom fell and spained both her ankles. She fell so bad she though she broke both of them. Thank God it wasn't that bad. For a week she didn't get out of bed. She couldn't. Just trying to get on her feet was so painful she cried. So I took her in my room and made her sleep in my bed. My room has air conditioned and it was really hot for about 2 tweeks. I slept on a folding bed and I took care of her. I liked taking care of her, because she has always taken care of me, and it was nice doing something for her insead. I am sorry I had to because I am sorry she fell. Well, it wasn't easy, since she couldn't get out of bed at all for a week. And when she was finally getting better, one day, while trying to get out of bed, she fell again. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw how bad she hurt her legs again. Her husband said that in stead of calling a doctor we should call a priest ................................. there are some bad vibes in our house. God forbid! I hope not.

At the office..............well.........another story.........maybe I will tell you some other time.....I ain't in no mood to get angry now.

Tomorrow morning at 6 a.m I am leaving (with mom and everthing) for a 10 days trip around Europe. Actually Italy, Croatia, Austria........stuff like that. I will send you some pictures.

The thing is, I really needed to get some rest, but I guess I am not going to get any of that untill I come back and head for the Romanian mountains one weekend.

Kisses and see you after September the 2nd.

Bye-bye.

Butterfly effect

I saw this movie again these days. It impresses me every time. If you haven't seen it, maybe you should.
If there is something about your life that you would change, what would it be? Is there anything???? I have never heard anyone saying that they wouldn't change anything( and I would like to hear someone saying it and believing it). Maybe it is a silly question, but I want to know what is it that people would change............